Sinking
- Mahima Ravi
- Nov 15, 2024
- 3 min read
I was sinking in an ocean. And these hefty waves were beating down my back, they were cold and stinging. There was water going up my nose and my mouth and it was burning and incredibly salty and I was trying my best to stay afloat. I was waving my hands frantically at Anand who was at the shore but he couldn't see me. He was playing with Sania and they were building a sandcastle. Well, it was mostly Anand doing the work. He had put on his focused face that I love so much, his brows furrowed and his lips pursed as he contoured a curved road that led to the castle. Sania was crawling around, her little knees and palms making prints on the damp sand and she was giggling at the shells that Anand had picked out for her, something about their bumps and ridges told her a funny story I suppose... and I was flailing violently and I was trying to scream but my voice kept getting stifled by the harsh waves, they were getting worse and I started to get the feeling that I didn’t have much time left. This gave me a newfound strength to keep going. “Sania needs me, she needs her mother. What about Anand? He needs me too. He can’t handle a six month old on his own. I am his wife, I am his support system. I complete their lives…” and with this newfound purpose, I pushed myself horizontally against the water. I swam one freestyle stroke at a time, cutting through the waves that were coming against me and I was getting closer and closer to the shore and just as I began to think I might make it, I heard Sania’s clear squealing laugh. I looked up to see Anand holding her up to the sky and taking her for a spin like he does every morning before he heads to work. They were both laughing uncontrollably. Pure joy on their faces. Joy that I haven’t seen in weeks. Mostly because I’m either screaming or crying about something. Anand is always angry or upset at me and Sania looks up at our quarrels with her big black eyes all confused and scared.
And then I hear this voice as I bob up and down in the water. I don’t know where it came from. It felt like it was inside of me but also like it was the universe that was speaking to me. It was loud and crystal clear, “They’re better off without you…” and I felt another heavy wave as it hit me right in the face, knocking the wind out of my stomach and I started to struggle again, flailing my arms and legs trying to stay afloat but then I stopped. They’re better off without me anyway… And this hit me like an electric shock. I felt this realization flow through every inch of my body. From my head to my toes and I woke up with a start. I sat up on my bed breathing heavily and tears flowing down my cheeks, my whole body soaked in sweat. I checked the time and it was only around 2 AM and I felt this intense exhaustion wash over me but I couldn’t possibly talk myself into going back to sleep with dreams like that haunting me every time. So, I just stared at Sania and Anand sleeping peacefully next to me. Her hand perfectly curled around Anand’s index finger, their breath almost syncing and I couldn’t help but believe it was true… they’re better off without me.
